Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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