the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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