you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
