Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
