On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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