Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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