one might say we're banned from that church
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Randomize
