He uses pillows to masturbate.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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