I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
