Moan for me like Helen Keller
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
