his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize