Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
