On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
