We're facebook friends in real life
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
