i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
