I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
