Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
