i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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