I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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