Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
