If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
