lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Panties = found
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