You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
