hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
