it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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