glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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