in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
