who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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