I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
