Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
