I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize