you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
