Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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