my phone needs a breathalizer
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
