1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
