ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
