Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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