i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
