Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think my moral compass just broke
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
