Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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