dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
