Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
