i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
