I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
