12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
