she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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