and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
