Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, beer. Big fan.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
