I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You smell like stripper and shame
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize