did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
