Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
