My liver just broke up with me...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
