what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
