Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
