Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
