oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
