so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
