Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
