Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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