You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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