Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
