So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
