90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
