i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
