New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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