Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Someone shattered a urinal.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
