Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
