he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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